


how quick the sun can drop away (i'm spinning)

by jeepsarmitage



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 02:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4902940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeepsarmitage/pseuds/jeepsarmitage
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>You’ve seen a lot of things and done a lot of things you never really saw yourself doing. And you don’t regret any of it, not at all, but at the end of the day you know that it’s all for the best. </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>or: </p><p> </p><p>  <b> post 2.35 and what could happen with dean!perry and Danny </b></p>
            </blockquote>





	how quick the sun can drop away (i'm spinning)

**Author's Note:**

> this is dedicated to my trash squad @noneqaf @TheSpamminator

_"And now my bitter hands_

_Cradle broken glass_

_Of what was everything"_

_-_ Pearl Jam,  _Black_

 

_._

 

 

Danny is dead.

 

You can’t really wrap your head around that thought because the whole thing just seems so absurd. Danny can’t be dead. Strong, stubborn, loyal Danny with her determination and need to be the best can’t possibly be dead. You spoke to her, touched her. You hugged her and now…she can’t just be _gone._

It’s impossible, you think. There’s no possible way that Danny can be dead. There’s no way that you’ll never be able to see her, touch her, talk to her. That you’ll never be able to hear her laugh or listen to her talk about whatever ridiculous thing Kirsch has said or done. The late nights you’ve stayed up, listening to her talk about her family, the Summer Society girls. How she’s listened to you, helped you, been there for you when you thought you had lost everything. It’s not possible for her to be gone. It can’t be possible.

 

But it is. Because Danny is dead and Carmilla is _somewhere_ and you’re alone trying not to cry because Kirsch is a wreck and the school is probably going to be turned into some form of military boot camp and there is absolutely nothing you can do.

 

Because Danny is dead, and somehow any semblance of hope and determination has died along with her.

 

It would be better, you think, if Carmilla were here. If she wanted anything to do with you on any level it make this whole situation easier to endure because somehow Carmilla always makes you feel better. Even if she doesn’t say anything at all, her presence is calming and the way she looks at you makes you believe that everything will be okay eventually.

 

She isn’t here, though, and she doesn’t want anything to do with you and you can’t blame her for that. You’ve really made a mess of this semester.

 

All you wanted to do was help.

 

///

 

Lafontaine tries to distract you.

 

Even barricaded in the apartment they bring board games and cookies and talk about anything that isn’t Danny and you appreciate their efforts. You really do. But all you want to do is sleep and cry and pretend that you’ll wake up tomorrow morning and Danny will be there. That everything that has happened since the moment Mattie came has been a nightmare and you’ll wake up with Carmilla next to you and you’ll laugh it off.

 

You know that’s not going to happen, though, so you tell Laf that you’re tired and you’re going to go and get some sleep.

 

“It’ll be okay.” LaF says before leaving. They look at you with sad eyes and you want to tell them you don’t want their pity. You don’t deserve their pity because this whole situation is your fault. Danny being dead is your fault. If you hadn’t tried to bring down Mattie – if you had _listened_ to Carmilla in the first place – Vordiemort wouldn’t be in charge and Danny would still be alive.

 

Carmilla would still be talking to you.

 

Thing would be _okay_.

 

“They won’t be.” You reply. “But thanks anyway.”

 

LaF smiles at you sadly on their way out and as you listen to the sounds of the Zeta’s running rampant outside, you fall asleep with the picture of Danny running after them fluttering behind your eyelids.

 

///

 

Carmilla comes back, a few days after, and you find yourself staring at her as she stands in the doorway and you have no idea what to say.

 

She looks at you with a blank expression, and for a second you think that maybe she’s here to yell at you. To tell you how stupid you are for not listening to her. For letting all of this happen. But instead she opens her arms and you fall forward into them and she’s holding you and telling you that it’ll be okay.

 

You shake your head, because no, it won’t be okay. Nothing can possibly ever be okay again.

 

She kisses your forehead, and despite the literal war going on outside you feel safe.

 

///

 

The others don’t take too well to Carmilla being back.

 

“You left us!” Is the general accusation, “We asked for your help, and you left us alone. Danny is _dead_ because you left us alone to fight by ourselves _._ ”

 

“In case you have forgotten,” Carmilla retaliates through clenched teeth. “My _sister_ is also dead.”

 

You see Carmilla’s fists tense and the muscles of her back tighten as if she were about to attack. But she stays still, and with still gritted teeth she continues. “And besides, I was told you didn’t **want** me to help.”

 

You stare at her, not entirely sure how you’re supposed to react to this revelation, and she looks between you and LaFontaine, waiting for a reply. She doesn’t get one, though. “You didn’t know?”

 

When you shake your head she frowns. “When I called back to say I would help…you weren’t there and Perry was. She told me you didn’t want me to help anymore.”

 

You shake your head. “I never said that. I left because everything was starting and you said you weren’t going to help. I didn’t think to wait around for you to change your mind. I didn’t think you would.”

 

Carmilla’s brow furrows and you swallow, watching the cogs turn over in her mind as she processes the information.

 

And then you hear a choked sob and your head flicks over to face Lafontaine who’s body is shaking and shuddering and you realise they’re _crying_.

 

(you’ve never seen Lafontaine cry before and you don’t really know what to do)

 

“I’m sorry,” they gasp, shaking their head. Carmilla looks at you, asking silently what LaFontaine is apologising for and you shake your head slightly because you have no idea.

 

“What for, LaF?”

 

They let out a hoarse laugh, shaking their head. “Perry. Something’s wrong. She’s not herself and I’ve known it for ages I just didn’t want to believe it so I ignored it, you know? Hoping it would go away. That I was wrong.” They shake their head again. “I should have done something sooner.”

 

You take a step forward. “It’s not your fault, you-“

 

“But it is!” Lafontaine looks at you with the most desperate expression you’ve ever seen and your eyes widen at the outburst. “I’ve known Perry since we were five years old. I knew something was wrong. She hasn’t been herself. And all this talk about death and ‘finding’ things to help us…Perry has never been big on the research. She’s never really wanted to get close to all this sort of stuff….”

 

They look back down at the floor and you glance at Carmilla who’s staring at LaF with an unreadable expression.

 

“I just wish I knew what was wrong.”

 

“We’ll figure it out, LaF.” You say, smiling what you really hope is a comforting smile because you don’t feel at all helpful at the moment. “We always do.”

 

You really hope you aren’t wrong.

 

///

 

When Mel comes by to tell you all that Danny’s funeral Pyre will be held in two days, you stay hidden in the bedroom and let Carmilla talk to her. You can’t hear what they are saying, but when Carmilla comes back into the bedroom she looks angry.

 

“Are you okay?” You ask, sitting up in bed.

 

Carmilla nods but you aren’t convinced. You let it go, though, because Danny’s funeral is soon and you still aren’t completely okay with the idea of Danny being dead. Having the funeral just seems so _final_ , like this is really happening and the whole thing scares you to no end.

 

So you let Carmilla hold you, and even though there are so many things that aren’t okay at the moment, and even though Carmilla is holding something back because you can practically feel her brain ticking over, you allow yourself to be held and you pretend that everything is okay.

///

 

Perry doesn’t seem even a little saddened by the whole situation. In fact, she seems to almost be enjoying watching everyone in mourning. The weird half-smiles you see when she’s watching the group, and the way she seems to _know_ things about the school and Vorenberg are just plain weird.

 

And you think back to Lafontaine’s breakdown when you’re lying in bed the night before the funeral and you realise with a jump that they were right. Of course they were right, when were they ever wrong? But this Perry isn’t your Perry. Not by a long shot.

 

This Perry isn’t your Perry, because your Perry would be baking and serving hot cocoa to everyone and asking Kirsch every three seconds if he needs anything. This Perry buries herself in books older than you care to imagine. It’s weird and out of character and you find yourself watching from afar. You watch the movements and the way she holds herself and it doesn’t take long for you to conclude that this definitely isn’t your Perry.

 

So who is she?

 

///

 

You get your answer soon enough and you really wish you hadn’t.

 

///

 

It happens when the Summers are carrying Danny’s body to the pyre. You’re standing near the back of the crowd, with Lafontaine on one side and Carmilla on the other. J.P is nearby, and Perry – or whoever inhabits Perry’s body at the moment – is in front of Lafontaine.

 

And then she’s not. She’s falling, and you vaguely register LaF reaching out to catch her and it’s while you’re nearly next to them, trying to wake Perry back up that you hear the gasp from the crowd.

 

When you look up, you gasp too because sitting up on the funeral pyre is Danny and she’s very much alive.

 

Except, it’s not Danny. Not really, because Danny died. You held her while she died and the woman walking around may look like Danny but inside it’s very much not.

 

It takes exactly two seconds for Carmilla to answer the unasked question you know is floating around every single person mind right now, and she steps forward and tilts her head to the side, surveying Danny – _who ever it is –_ with an intrigued expression.

 

“Hello, mother.”

///

 

When you thought all those things about not being able to touch Danny or hear her laugh, you didn’t mean it like this.

 

Because hearing the Dean speak in Danny’s voice is just plain _weird_ , and seeing her walk around in Danny’s body is…well you’re not sure you’re entirely okay with this.

 

On the bright side, Perry is okay and back to her usual self, if not a little stressed out by the whole ordeal.

 

(she was possessed though, so you can forgive her for that)

 

You’ll get used to it.

 

…maybe.

 

///

 

(spoiler alert: you don’t)

 

///

 

It’s a Thursday when Lafontaine bursts into the apartment, spouting some fast-paced series of words you can’t follow. You’re at your computer, scrolling through the comments on your videos and trying not to cry because they’re all asking for an update and you’re not sure what it is you’re supposed to tell them.

 

“Wait,” you hold up a hand and spin to face them, “what?”

 

“Danny is the Dean!”

 

They say this as though it’s brand new information and you squint at them, trying to see if they’re joking or not. When you realise they are, in fact, one hundred per cent serious, you wonder briefly if they’ve finally dipped into _actual_ mad-scientist territory.

 

“Yes…we know.”

 

Lafontaine shakes their head. “No. I mean, the Dean is in Danny’s body…who is mortal.”

 

You’re frowning now, because you’re not following Laf’s train of thought at all, and the whole mad scientist idea may not be too far off the mark.

 

“…so?”

 

“So!” LaF grins at you, and you half expect their hair to turn white and maybe a firecracker or two to start exploding from their pockets. “ _We can kill the Dean._ ”

 

///

 

You call a group meeting, and Lafontaine explains their idea and you aren’t too surprised when Carmilla stands up and defends her mother.

 

“You killed my sister, and now you want to kill my mother too?”

 

“You did it before,” LaF points out. “Last semester.”

 

“Before we knew she wasn’t entirely evil.” J.P. points out, and Carmilla shoots him a small smile over her shoulder which J.P returns before turning back to Lafontaine. He’s wringing his fingers together and you can tell he’s nervous. He doesn’t usually go against LaF’s ideas, and you wonder why it is he’s doing it this time.

 

(probably out of some kind of vampire kinship. The amount of time Carm and Jeep spent together under the floorboards surely means they’re friends at least.)

 

“Now we know more about her, why is it we need to, uh, kill her?”

 

Laf rolls her eyes. “Are we forgetting the whole killing of girls thing? She’s not exactly innocent.”

 

“That doesn’t mean you have to kill her!” Carmilla is getting angry now, and you reach over to pull her back into the sofa but she shakes you off and turns back to LaF. “Just because you don’t understand the vampiric morals doesn’t mean they’re wrong. My mother isn’t evil. Morally questionable from a humans point of view? Probably. But she’s not evil. You wont kill her.” 

 

There’s silence, and you watch as LaF and Carm stare each other down. LaF has a lot of nerve, standing up to Carmilla, and even though you see their hands shaking by their sides they don’t look away until Perry clears her throat.

 

“You’re forgetting the most important thing.”

 

“What’s that?”

 

Perry shrugs, “The Dean is in Danny’s body.” She looks around at everyone, and when no one reacts she swallows and looks back at Lafontaine. “You’d have to-well - _kill_ , uh Danny again. Technically.”

 

The look on Lafontaine’s face suggests they hadn’t thought of that.

 

///

 

No one mentions the meeting or that particular topic of discussion for a few days. It’s like it never happened. And you’re alright with that, really, but you can’t help but watch Danny – _The Dean_ – and wonder how it is that any of you are supposed to kill her.

 

///

 

As it turns out, you don’t have to.

 

Carmilla does it for you.

 

You aren’t sure you’re okay with that.

 

///

 

“You said you wouldn’t kill her!” You scream, watching Danny’s body fall to the ground. “Why did you kill her?”

 

“You wanted to!” Carmilla yells back, “you have no right to get angry at me for something _you_ wanted!”

 

She looks around at the others standing in the room; LaF and Perry and J.P are all staring back, and you feel the tears prickling in your eyes as you look from Carmilla to Danny’s body on the floor and then to your friends.

 

“You said you weren’t going to kill you. You said _we_ couldn’t kill her.”

 

Carmilla stares at you with a blank expression. “That was before I found out what a lying, manipulative person she was.”

 

You open your mouth to question her further, but she doesn’t give you a chance to. Stepping over Danny’s body she shoulders past you and leaves the apartment without so much as a glance back. You’re left in the room with Danny’s body laying lifeless on the floor and you wonder what it was you did that made you deserve this.

 

///

 

You don’t see Carmilla again until after Danny’s funeral.

 

(It happens this time, and even though you don’t fully understand the purpose of the Summer Society, you can see they really do care about their members because the entire thing really beautiful)

 

///

 

Maybe you and Carmilla really aren’t meant to be, you think. All you do is end up fighting. She wants you to be something you aren’t, and you want her to be something she seems to think she’s incapable of being. You try – both of you do, you think – but at the end of the day, you just end up hurting each other and it makes you wonder if any of this is even worth it. 

 

Is love really worth the pain and heartache and wondering if what you’re doing is really the best thing to do?

 

You’ve seen a lot of things and done a lot of things you never really saw yourself doing. And you don’t regret any of it, not at all, but at the end of the day you know that it’s all for the best. The sacrifices you’ve made since coming to Silas are all for the best because you’ve saved people and you’ve fought for what you believe in. For what you believe is right and just and for the “greater good” – whatever that means now.

 

But falling in love? You aren’t sure whether the good outweighs the bad right now.

 

You aren’t sure if it’s all worth it.

 


End file.
